Monday, May 21, 2007

No Kissing/Sex Please, We Are Indians

In order to show objectionable, traumatizing and offending acts on screen, without having a lawsuit slapped on your face by the jobless moral guardians of the society, many age old methods have been employed by the champions of Bollywood. As you would have observed dear readers, more often than not, these euphemisms are relating to sex. Now this brings a Q to mind - Is depicting sex on screen such a hard task, that our filmmakers had to resort to such tactics?

Surely its not that Indians don’t know about sex. You don’t have a nation of 1 billion people for nothing. In fact Indians know too much about sex. And we are pretty good at it too. No, I won't mention the Kamasutra or Khajuraho, just look at our birth rate n population. The only people who have better sex than us, are the Chinese. In fact they are so good at sex, that people all over the world are dying to have sex with them for centuries. So much so, that they had to build a wall around their country.

Here is a list of some such euphemisms. The list is by no means exhaustive, for as long as the filmmakers of this nation of 1 billion plus, continue to dig into their minds (or their noses.. or both) to find out new ways to show things on screen this list will keep growing.


Euphemism No 1: Flowers
Scene: Hero n heroine in a public garden whispering sweet nothings to each other... hero feeling the pangs in his loins and the heroine acting coy.... After a while they bend down and the camera stays there on the two flowers (preferably roses...red ones) and then the two roses start to bump into each other or swaying left, right, up & down as if nodding their approval to the acts being committed just below ... usually signifies kissing.

This euphemism doesn't find many takers now, as many people have really eroded the moral fibre of our kulchur and started kissing on screen. Tauba!!

Corollary: Hero and heroine are now in a jungle... Rest scenario remains as above.. In this case the flower nodding usually signifies copulation.



Euphemism No 2: Fireplace
Scene: Hero n heroine on a stormy night... its raining accompanied by thunder and lightening... their car has broken down and they are now in a secluded 'Daak Bunglow' in the middle of nowhere.... since their clothes are wet the hero will start a fire.. (Somehow all the dak bunglows are stacked up with firewood for any such emergency n the hero has the talent to light up the fire from a matchstick/lighter without the need of any kerosene/petrol). The roaring fire's flames are directly proportional to the lust between the love birds at this point of time... the light in the room should be orangish-yellow, ample shadow play on the walls and the hero should be nude waist up (Throw in an ample amount of body hair for macho appeal and hiding the rolls of fat.. though Anil Kapoor is strictly forbiddened from removing his shirt COME-WHAT-MAY). Hero n heroine get close to each other and the camera zooms in through the small space between their bodies and blurs into the fire. Signifies copulation.


It may be noted that this euphemism occurs solely when the case is of pre-marital sex. The Euphemism No 1 though can also be shown with married couples. The corollary to euphemism 1 though is strictly reserved for premarital sex. If it were a married couple the husband would be busy pulling his hair and thinking "Why did I ever promise this woman the jungle safari???"


Euphemism No 3: Bedside Lamp
Scene: Its the "SUHAAG RAAT" (Ah!! Some more random hits on my blog thx to google) .... now after all the ghunghat-uthana, kesar wala doodh and the rest of the usual big-night shenanigans are done with, the hero will lay down his bride on the bed (fully clothed n jewelled)... camera pans to the bedside lamp which switches off after a delay of 2 seconds.


Euphemism No 4: Child photo....SSSHHHHHHHHH
Another variation to the scene in the above euphemism... at the end instead of panning to the bedside lamp the camera will move upwards on the wall where the child photograph is and the child having a finger on his lips... Sssshhhhhhhh!!!


Don't be surprised if the next day the heroine throws up and is expecting a baby (which would be determined without the help of a home pregancy kit or a doctor).. coz somehow this euphemism is oft used in cases when the couple is trying to make a baby. Congraulations flow from all corners and the father, placing a hand on the son's shoulder, says 'Bete, aaj tune mera sapna sach kar diya'. I wonder if the Dad was dreaming about the last nights events.


Euphemism No 5: Waves in ocean 1
Usually occurs at some beach .. now the beach has to have green waters , white sand, ample sun and most importantly it should be a secluded and totally deserted one... how else will their lusty instincts urge them to make out behind those coconut trees...and when the huge waves start hitting the shores you know that the guy has been successful in nailing the gal... one might wonder how all of a sudden the peaceful waves turned into big mighty roaring ones... the answer I m afraid is a bit complex... it's the lunar gravity coupled with the earth's centrifugal force due to rotation on it's axis combined with all the pumping n grinding going on behind those coconut trees.


Euphemism No 6: Waves in ocean 2
This is a variation to euphemism no 5...except that this time the waves are crashing hard on the rocks... this would in most cases signify a rape or passionate love ...it may also be used in some other situation where there is a kash-m-kash going in the hero's mind whether to obey his parents word or go with his gal...or when heroine is contemplating suicide due to the unwanted pregnancy.

Euphemism No 7: Volcano Erupting
Now this one is a multipurpose euphemism... it can and has been used at a number of places in a number of situations...
Hero's sis gets raped.... Volcano erupts
Hero heroine are making passionate love ...Volcano erupts (in this case the amount of lava flowing out of volcano is directly proportional to the ....mmmmm what shall we say...hero's virility)

Saboo ko gussa aata hain ... Volcano erupts (on Jupiter of course).


Euphemism No 8: Boiling Milk
Scene: The heroine is working in the kitchen.... newly wed wife... learning the tricks of the trade... the husband sneaks up from behind and grabs her around the waist... the heat in the kitchen , the smell of milk boiling on the stove, the aroma of spices and all that make the hero really hot (not that he wasn’t already horny) and they start making out oblivious of the milk heating on the stove ... while the hero n heroine move out of scene the camera pans into the vessel kept on stove with milk boiling... within minutes the milk starts to rise ... the rise in the level of milk is directly signifies the building up male orgasm ... in roughly 1 minute 30 secs the milk overflows (that’s the average time it would take - for both the activities)

Note: This euphemism can also be shown for Rape and in that case the milk boils to some rather jarring music.


Euphemism No 9: Bird in Cage
This euphemism is solely reserved for use when depicting a rape scene. The bird in the cage signifies the hero's sister in the grip of the villain.Note: It will be hero's sister in 99% of the cases and this should occur somewhere in the first half of the movie. In the rare exception that it is the heroine, she should commit suicide right after the crime and the hero will avenge her death in the rest of the movie. And before the feminists clench their teeth and ask me, why should a woman commit suicide when the ideally the rapist should be castrated, lemme tell you this is Bollywood and logic is found here in as much abundance as topless girls in Antarctica.



Euphemism No 10: Fluttering Diya
This particular diya is rather from 60s and 70s where a diya would be lighted next to the person on his death bed... sitting next to the dying old man/woman would be his wife/husband, the dutiful-and-friendly neighbors, the chacha, taya, mama, mausi, doodhwala, kaam-wali-bai and a hoard of junior artists but not the son.
The son is rushing home to be besides his father/mother who is ready to kick the bucket anytime now. As soon as he enters the room panting, the diya extinguishes and the man/woman in bed has breathed his/her last.The diya may be replaced by the ECG machine as well. The waves going up n down in a jagged way and finally nothing but a straight line.

With the help of these euphemisms, we can make sure that everything is in strict accordance with the CBFC guidelines of certification. Do you have any Euphemisms which u want to share?
====================================================
Update:
Some more Euphemisms which the readers left in the Comments section

Arun
An umbrella/heroine's hat coming in between when the couple steals a smooch.
May I just add, that the Umbrella has got to be of multicolor n should be revolving when the couple engage in the act.

Twilight Fairy
another one.. khufiya barsaati raat.. raat ka andhera.. no bijli.. except for the bijli in the sky.. the torrential rain.. hero heroine getting wet.. windows in buildings thrashing .. hero's hand on heroine's waist (mind u a waist which has a saree clinging on to the wet skin more for effect..for all it matters it's not really there)..and then once the hero and heroine get really close, the lightening weaves across the sky.. signifying what else but...copulation! :)
BRILLIANT

Sushruta
I remember if the rape happens in a stable like place the spinning wheel of a stationary cart also signals at ahem ...rape

Unknown User
You forgot the crying girl photographs...in a rape scene.

Bastet
Eagle or Hawk, preying on a pigeon, indicating the villian following a hapless damsel. As the hawk closes in and kills the pigeon, the villian pounces on the girl.

56 comments:

Sakshi said...

ROTFLMAO.
This is hilarious! Thanks for posting it (finally :P)

arpana said...

damn! the gold's gone ... Silver here :( lemme read the post now

arpana said...

but u MUST credit the flowers euphism to me .... it was in my post first :P

Anonymous said...

Did a first glance read. Looks hilarious. Detail mein padhke aur comment karunga :)

-Han

Mohati said...

Hahaha too funny!
There's this one more I can think of. When first the hero and the heroine are in their courtship stage, and the heroine has not admitted that she loves the hero, and actually pretends to hate him, she will be wearing short, western clothes. But then finally our hero manages to win the belle's heart and she accepts him as her 'parmeshwar' she starts wearing indian clothes (punjabi suits or saris) even if they are not yet married. More frequently observed when they have to fight against the world (aka the girls father) to be together and the heroine is shown moping. This change in dressing style is meant to show the commitment of the heroine to her hero and also a change in the mood of the movie to the more serious/emotional part.
I think you should make a guide book of these which our American friends could use while watching Indian movies.

Lalit Singh said...

@Sakshi
Gold yet again!!
I now officially proclaim you the 'Bappi Lahiri of this blog'.

@Arpz
congrats!
flowers aap le lo chalo

@Han
Sure.. whenever u have time.

@Mohati
Thats a keen observation indeed. However what keeps me from updating the post is that it is not a euphemism but a bollywood cliché, like several other eg.
"The day heroine wears a white dress, it will def rain."
"Whenever two brothers get bichado-fied in childhood they will always endup as one good one bad"... How come they both never end up on the same side.. after all they are brothers and should show some similarities.

Mohati said...

yea, yea.. agree! just thought it was funny as well :)

The_Girl_From_Ipanema said...

I wonder if the Dad was dreaming about the last nights events.

ROFLMAO! ossum post

Neihal said...

ROFLMAO !!

I just cant stop laughing now.

Madhavan said...

Very very funny......

Chitrangada said...

U r too good lalu :))

fundoo post

Anonymous said...

Solid rapchik post hain yaar. Lol.

This line was the best:

/*The only people who have better sex than us, are the Chinese. In fact they are so good at sex, that people all over the world are dying to have sex with them for centuries. So much so, that they had to build a wall around their country.*/

-Han

Sayesha said...

Chha gaye Lolit! Kya mast post likhela hai boss! :D

Lalit Singh said...

@Mohati
Oh it is, believe me.

@TGFI, Neihal, Madhavan, Chitrangada
Thx :)

@Han
thx.. tereko kya laga woh wall kaiko banaya tha
plus those guys have the chinese medicines also na yaar, so they are bound to be better

Born a Libran said...

Good one dude... Took a lot of bollywood films to come up with that post :D

Tarun said...

A garland or something falling off near a bhagwanji's murti.
The hero's mother or may be the heroine getting up in middle of the night.

Zora said...

You missed the classic, the elegant scene from Mughal-e-azam where Dilip caresses Madhubala's face with a feather. Cut to scene of him raising her from a platform covered with flowers.

That's ishtyle.

suresh triveni said...

thanks for the darpan music

Lalit Singh said...

@Sayesha
arrey thx bhai!!

@Libran
Thx :) it sure is the nichod of all the bollywood gyan

@Tarun
Good observation. However, as Mohati's case, this again is a cliché rather than a euphemism.

@Zora
Memory beats me. But as u describe, it seems to be a very beautiful and unique cinematogrpahic expression.

@Suresh
U r welcome.

JustSo said...

//@Zora
Memory beats me. But as u describe,

isliye bhidu - apna MEA ka date rakha hain apun, aur tu hain ki phirang land main settle ho gayela hain tch tch tch .. aaj kal kisi ko kisi ki kadarich nai

Arun said...

Hahaha....totally hilarious yaar
Fultos comedy
Another euphemism....
An umbrella/heronie's hat coming in between when the couple steal a smooch.

Cheers
~Arun

Twilight Fairy said...

another one.. khufiya barsaati raat.. raat ka andhera.. no bijli.. except for the bijli in the sky.. the torrential rain.. hero heroine getting wet.. windows in buildings thrashing .. hero's hand on heroine's waist (mind u a waist which has a saree clinging on to the wet skin more for effect..for all it matters it's not really there)..and then once the hero and heroine get really close, the lightening weaves across the sky.. signifying what else but...copulation! :)

Sushruta said...

i remember if the rape happens in a stable like place the spinning wheel of a stationary cart also signals at ahem ...rape

Anonymous said...

Think about it - the 1 billion population of India is because of Indians not knowing about sex.

And here's topless pic of Anil Kapoor for your pleasures. ;)

sunshine said...

Tussi chaa gaye.... loved the post to bits...

If I tell ya, I'll have to kill ya said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA


i think i peed my pants. damn that was funny. lalit, i think ur friends are right. we need to come up with a guide for goras watching Hindi movies. These Euphemisms are a fantastic start though. Shit, this was seriously funny.

Lalit Singh said...

@JustSo
hmmm ab to MEA date karna hi padega

@Arun
Good one there.

@Twilight Fairy
hahahaha.. true.
did u observe all the films used the same shot of lightening, for so many decades.

@Sushruta
Thats true and often i wonder what does the stable air have to do with increased levels of testosterone. Surely there is a connection.

@Anon
We all know very well about sex. Its just the contraceptives that we need to be more aware of.
And there is no pic of Anil Kapoor. On second thoughts, its better that way.

@Sunshine
Thx :)

@If I tell..
thx:)
About the guide - I will give it a serious thought. :)

that girl in pink said...

ha ha! this one's a classic. they should compile it into a booklet and hand it out to anyone who wants to be a bollywood film maker!

Spunky Monkey said...

I agree. Very funny. I like Bollywood and all the kitsch it has to offer. And d'oh to all those new age filmmakers who think it is cool to make films without all the naach-gaana. What do they think, they are from upper Scandinavia?

Good post. Keep the great work going!

Lalit Singh said...

@TGIP
Thx:)
U will get a autogrpahed copy of the first edition.

@spunky monkey
I like the new age cinema at times but THIS is what bollywood is all about the naach-gaana, rona-dhona, melodrama, the cliches.

Priyanka said...

This was hillarious!! Hats off to your observations :D

Shek said...

amazing job dude. I had these euphemisms in mind but hadnt gotton around to organize my thoughts. I am a fan.

Kaushik said...

there's one with horses. I would have liked to see that as well! :-)

Lalit Singh said...

@Priyanka & Shek
Thx :)

@Kaushik
hmmm u mean the barn/stable rape scene like Ssushruta

Unknown User said...

You forgor the crying girl photographs...in a rape scene.
And that spilled daru ka glass...pre-marital sex....
Nicely written...can't stop laughing!
Cheers

Nirav Kanodra said...

Leave apart bollywood, even in Hollywood they have these euphemisms. Seen Pirates of the Caribbean 3 (At the Worlds End?)

they have two swords crossed on the beach.

Though I guess they did that to get a rating to allow kids to watch the movies

~Lord Anshul said...

GOD work lalli miyan..kahan se idea laya hai be..hilarious...

i love that flower thing..too subtle. and that baby thingie !! have never seen it. :(

Mithila said...

roflmao!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
this post rocks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!terrific observation! :-D

Bastet said...

Extremely hilarious!! Few more euphemisms :

Temple bells and lightening- Indicating death of widowed mother, while son is in temple.

Lightening, thuderstorm rocking car, herione withing, getting raped. Generally gang rape. Rocking of the car indicating the activities within.

Eagle or Hawk, preying on a pigeon, indicating the villian following a hapless damsel. As the hawk closes in and kills the pigeon, the villian pounces on the girl.

Abhishek said...

Man thts kewl ...... great work

Lalit Singh said...

@Unknown User
Hmm Crying girl Interesting... I have seen that a couple of times

@Nirav
Yeah that was a hilarious moment when i suddenly realised that Hollywood was using Euphemisms, and it was followed by the opening the thigh-high leather boots scene.. too much.

@anshul
Baby things occured in some movies...maybe not as common as the flowers but it did happen

@Mithila
Thx :)

@Bastet
Temple Bells .. now that is one thing i never understood.. First off it wont swing even at amazingly high wind speeds. Secondly even if it swings it wont make a sound. But yes, whenever the hero/heroine enters the temple we have high speed winds followed by lightening and rain. More of a cliche i would say

Eagle on a prey is a def euphemism. Oh yeah!!

@Abhishek
Thx:)

Bullshee said...

This is gloriously funny!!ha ha ha..
but i think we've kinda left these days behind and as the age of the Sherawat and the Hashmi dawned, all these euphinisms hav been lost to Indian cinema...Censors sigh rememberin the good ol days!

Ajith said...

U will be sued by CBFC ..Too good list :) Keep it up :)

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ROFL. Got here via Kusum. and i'm lovin it.

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