Thursday, May 31, 2007

Karneval Aalborg 2007

This blog started with the details about my first day in Denmark. It completes two years on blogsphere and it is marked by a celebration in the town of Aalborg - Karneval Aalborg. This being my third carnival in two years (I arrived one the Karneval day). So here are some highlights from the Karneval, which incidently is also my last.

The Karneval celebrations were spread over a week as this was the 25th anniversary of the largest carnival in Northern Europe. With more than 25000 people enjoying the festivities with the carnival bands from 6 countries (Denmark, Germany, Holland, France, UK and Ghana) on the final day, it was the largest till date and my most memorable one. The theme for 2007 was 'Masquerade' a much tamer one compared to
last year's 'Erotic & Exotic'.

A, G, N & S
If it wasn't for you guys, it wouldn't have been so much fun.


Monday, May 21, 2007

No Kissing/Sex Please, We Are Indians

In order to show objectionable, traumatizing and offending acts on screen, without having a lawsuit slapped on your face by the jobless moral guardians of the society, many age old methods have been employed by the champions of Bollywood. As you would have observed dear readers, more often than not, these euphemisms are relating to sex. Now this brings a Q to mind - Is depicting sex on screen such a hard task, that our filmmakers had to resort to such tactics?

Surely its not that Indians don’t know about sex. You don’t have a nation of 1 billion people for nothing. In fact Indians know too much about sex. And we are pretty good at it too. No, I won't mention the Kamasutra or Khajuraho, just look at our birth rate n population. The only people who have better sex than us, are the Chinese. In fact they are so good at sex, that people all over the world are dying to have sex with them for centuries. So much so, that they had to build a wall around their country.

Here is a list of some such euphemisms. The list is by no means exhaustive, for as long as the filmmakers of this nation of 1 billion plus, continue to dig into their minds (or their noses.. or both) to find out new ways to show things on screen this list will keep growing.

Euphemism No 1: Flowers
Scene: Hero n heroine in a public garden whispering sweet nothings to each other... hero feeling the pangs in his loins and the heroine acting coy.... After a while they bend down and the camera stays there on the two flowers (preferably ones) and then the two roses start to bump into each other or swaying left, right, up & down as if nodding their approval to the acts being committed just below ... usually signifies kissing.

This euphemism doesn't find many takers now, as many people have really eroded the moral fibre of our kulchur and started kissing on screen. Tauba!!

Corollary: Hero and heroine are now in a jungle... Rest scenario remains as above.. In this case the flower nodding usually signifies copulation.

Euphemism No 2: Fireplace
Scene: Hero n heroine on a stormy night... its raining accompanied by thunder and lightening... their car has broken down and they are now in a secluded 'Daak Bunglow' in the middle of nowhere.... since their clothes are wet the hero will start a fire.. (Somehow all the dak bunglows are stacked up with firewood for any such emergency n the hero has the talent to light up the fire from a matchstick/lighter without the need of any kerosene/petrol). The roaring fire's flames are directly proportional to the lust between the love birds at this point of time... the light in the room should be orangish-yellow, ample shadow play on the walls and the hero should be nude waist up (Throw in an ample amount of body hair for macho appeal and hiding the rolls of fat.. though Anil Kapoor is strictly forbiddened from removing his shirt COME-WHAT-MAY). Hero n heroine get close to each other and the camera zooms in through the small space between their bodies and blurs into the fire. Signifies copulation.

It may be noted that this euphemism occurs solely when the case is of pre-marital sex. The Euphemism No 1 though can also be shown with married couples. The corollary to euphemism 1 though is strictly reserved for premarital sex. If it were a married couple the husband would be busy pulling his hair and thinking "Why did I ever promise this woman the jungle safari???"

Euphemism No 3: Bedside Lamp
Scene: Its the "SUHAAG RAAT" (Ah!! Some more random hits on my blog thx to google) .... now after all the ghunghat-uthana, kesar wala doodh and the rest of the usual big-night shenanigans are done with, the hero will lay down his bride on the bed (fully clothed n jewelled)... camera pans to the bedside lamp which switches off after a delay of 2 seconds.

Euphemism No 4: Child photo....SSSHHHHHHHHH
Another variation to the scene in the above euphemism... at the end instead of panning to the bedside lamp the camera will move upwards on the wall where the child photograph is and the child having a finger on his lips... Sssshhhhhhhh!!!

Don't be surprised if the next day the heroine throws up and is expecting a baby (which would be determined without the help of a home pregancy kit or a doctor).. coz somehow this euphemism is oft used in cases when the couple is trying to make a baby. Congraulations flow from all corners and the father, placing a hand on the son's shoulder, says 'Bete, aaj tune mera sapna sach kar diya'. I wonder if the Dad was dreaming about the last nights events.

Euphemism No 5: Waves in ocean 1
Usually occurs at some beach .. now the beach has to have green waters , white sand, ample sun and most importantly it should be a secluded and totally deserted one... how else will their lusty instincts urge them to make out behind those coconut trees...and when the huge waves start hitting the shores you know that the guy has been successful in nailing the gal... one might wonder how all of a sudden the peaceful waves turned into big mighty roaring ones... the answer I m afraid is a bit complex... it's the lunar gravity coupled with the earth's centrifugal force due to rotation on it's axis combined with all the pumping n grinding going on behind those coconut trees.

Euphemism No 6: Waves in ocean 2
This is a variation to euphemism no 5...except that this time the waves are crashing hard on the rocks... this would in most cases signify a rape or passionate love may also be used in some other situation where there is a kash-m-kash going in the hero's mind whether to obey his parents word or go with his gal...or when heroine is contemplating suicide due to the unwanted pregnancy.

Euphemism No 7: Volcano Erupting
Now this one is a multipurpose euphemism... it can and has been used at a number of places in a number of situations...
Hero's sis gets raped.... Volcano erupts
Hero heroine are making passionate love ...Volcano erupts (in this case the amount of lava flowing out of volcano is directly proportional to the ....mmmmm what shall we say...hero's virility)

Saboo ko gussa aata hain ... Volcano erupts (on Jupiter of course).

Euphemism No 8: Boiling Milk
Scene: The heroine is working in the kitchen.... newly wed wife... learning the tricks of the trade... the husband sneaks up from behind and grabs her around the waist... the heat in the kitchen , the smell of milk boiling on the stove, the aroma of spices and all that make the hero really hot (not that he wasn’t already horny) and they start making out oblivious of the milk heating on the stove ... while the hero n heroine move out of scene the camera pans into the vessel kept on stove with milk boiling... within minutes the milk starts to rise ... the rise in the level of milk is directly signifies the building up male orgasm ... in roughly 1 minute 30 secs the milk overflows (that’s the average time it would take - for both the activities)

Note: This euphemism can also be shown for Rape and in that case the milk boils to some rather jarring music.

Euphemism No 9: Bird in Cage
This euphemism is solely reserved for use when depicting a rape scene. The bird in the cage signifies the hero's sister in the grip of the villain.Note: It will be hero's sister in 99% of the cases and this should occur somewhere in the first half of the movie. In the rare exception that it is the heroine, she should commit suicide right after the crime and the hero will avenge her death in the rest of the movie. And before the feminists clench their teeth and ask me, why should a woman commit suicide when the ideally the rapist should be castrated, lemme tell you this is Bollywood and logic is found here in as much abundance as topless girls in Antarctica.

Euphemism No 10: Fluttering Diya
This particular diya is rather from 60s and 70s where a diya would be lighted next to the person on his death bed... sitting next to the dying old man/woman would be his wife/husband, the dutiful-and-friendly neighbors, the chacha, taya, mama, mausi, doodhwala, kaam-wali-bai and a hoard of junior artists but not the son.
The son is rushing home to be besides his father/mother who is ready to kick the bucket anytime now. As soon as he enters the room panting, the diya extinguishes and the man/woman in bed has breathed his/her last.The diya may be replaced by the ECG machine as well. The waves going up n down in a jagged way and finally nothing but a straight line.

With the help of these euphemisms, we can make sure that everything is in strict accordance with the CBFC guidelines of certification. Do you have any Euphemisms which u want to share?
Some more Euphemisms which the readers left in the Comments section

An umbrella/heroine's hat coming in between when the couple steals a smooch.
May I just add, that the Umbrella has got to be of multicolor n should be revolving when the couple engage in the act.

Twilight Fairy
another one.. khufiya barsaati raat.. raat ka andhera.. no bijli.. except for the bijli in the sky.. the torrential rain.. hero heroine getting wet.. windows in buildings thrashing .. hero's hand on heroine's waist (mind u a waist which has a saree clinging on to the wet skin more for effect..for all it matters it's not really there)..and then once the hero and heroine get really close, the lightening weaves across the sky.. signifying what else but...copulation! :)

I remember if the rape happens in a stable like place the spinning wheel of a stationary cart also signals at ahem ...rape

Unknown User
You forgot the crying girl a rape scene.

Eagle or Hawk, preying on a pigeon, indicating the villian following a hapless damsel. As the hawk closes in and kills the pigeon, the villian pounces on the girl.

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

The First Kiss Tag

The First Kiss Tag - courtesy Sakshi

Many moons ago a young lad was high and dry. A peck here n there, but the elusive first base as still alluding. Finally the hour came when the sun, moon, planets and all stars were perfectly aligned and he managed to get some privacy with the girl. They both were talking sweet nothings, fingers entwingled and her head resting on his chest. After a moment of long silence the guy lifted her chin and told her "S, I want to kiss you" and a loud voice boomed in his head - "YOU IDIOT!!!". The eyes locked for a second and he could read an affirmative in them. She didnt reply and taking that as the cue the guy went for it.

A light touch of the lips at first. A bit longer one followed. Then with a little vacuum. Soon the lower lip one, upper lipone , lips slightly parted, with a little tongue, more toungue and all that jazz. Finally all the text book theories were being put into practical.

So that ladies and gentlemen was the story of my first kiss. Did I tell you she got hickeys and I had a stupid grin on my face the whole next day. :)

PS: I tag Arpz, Han(again), Deepti, Samyak, Anshh , Arun, If-she-tell..... and Kusum.

Thursday, May 10, 2007


About an hour away from Brussels is the small, quaint town of Bruges. Known as the 'Venice of the North', Bruges is one of the most beautiful cities in Europe and has a long history of two thousand years. In 2000, UNESCO included the entire historical center of the city as a World Heritage Site. The city treats its visitors to some spectacular architectural beauties, cobbled streets, romantic canals and gastronomical delights.

The old town lies opposite the railway station at a stone throw distance. Just need to buy a map at the tourist office at the station and you are all set. Walking is my fav mode of transport and one of the best ways to enjoy the sights. At first you are greeted by the lovely canal Minnewater. Minne in Dutch means Love and the name of the canalized lake can be roughly translated to "The Lake of Love". It is because of these beautiful canals that Bruges got the sobriquet 'Venice of the North'.

Swan is a symbol of Bruges and you can see plenty of them in the Minnewater. Legend says that in 1488 the folks of Bruges executed one of their town administrators Pieter Lanchals from the court of Maximillian of Austria. Lanchals’ family coat of arms featured a white swan. Maximillian punished Bruges by obliging the whole population to keep swans on their lakes and canals till eternity. Well, I don't think they mind.

Notre Dame
Sint-Salvator Cathedral

From a distance the old buildings allure the traveler and smother a cloud of calm and tranquility, which is shortlived in the hustle ad bustle of the tourists. This town is packed with them. A boat ride in these canals is something which u must indulge in. There are various places from where the canal tours originate and the cost is €5/- only. The ride is an easy way to see most of the cities many historic treasures in the form of buildings churches bridges and statues. Its also a good excuse to rest those tired feet. :)

Town Hall
Chapel of the Holy Blood

The Burg Square, which is the administrative heart of the city, has the Town Hall and to the right of it is the Chapel of the Holy Blood. The Town Hall contains some beautiful portraits of earler Dukes/Counts and Duchesses/Countesses. The Chapel of Holy Blood is actually a double chapel. The lower part is called the Basilius Chapel and the church on the first floor is the actual Chapel of the Holy Blood. The chapel contains a fragment of cloth stained with what is said to be the coagulated blood of Christ, wiped from his body after the crucifixion. Tradition has it that Count Diederik van den Elzas brought the relic containing the blood of Christ from Jerusalem to Bruges after the second crusade.

Pic -

The adoration of the relic is at the origin of the internationally famous 'Procession of the Holy Blood' which passes every year on Asuncion day during the month of May through the streets of Bruges (17th May 2007).

Provincial Court

Southern side cafes

The Grote Markt (Market Square) is surrounded by the Belfry on the north, Provincial Court on the west, on the south by lotsa cafes which have a distinctive medieval appearance. In the center is the statue of Jan Breydel and Pieter de Coninck from the 'Battle of the Golden Spurs'.

While in Bruge, do try some of the many beers named after the city - Brugse Tripel, Brugs Blond, Brugs Witbier and Straffe Hendrik and the exquisite chocolates. Well that goes for the entire country I guess. Another speciality is the Lace that you can find in many shops. Its been practiced here for centuries and you can find people working on it. It’s also horribly expensive.

The train journey from Brussels to Bruges has a stop midway at Ghent, which is also a beautiful town like Bruges, no canals though. Train journey from Brussels to Bruges costs €12.5/- for a return journey, with trains plying every hour.

With that ladies and gentlemen, the Wanderer signs off, with a smile and a promise to take you to yet another destination sometime soon. Adios!!

Friday, May 04, 2007


From Luxembourg we started for Brussels in a train. At Luxembourg station we bought the tickets at 9:27 am for a train leaving at 9:29 am and ran like hell. Made it just in time. A Belgian friend in Aalborg had already warned us that trains are not so regular in his country and true to his word the train journey of hours took a good 45 mins extra. Welcome to the city of Eurocrats, plenty of chocolate fountains, an array of waffles and more than 200 kinds of beers – Brussels.

A walk of 25 mins from the Nord station and we dumped out stuff at the hostel. Decided to hit the Grand Place Square. The square is one of the most important tourist attractions in the city and has hundreds of tourists looking in awe at all the buildings around it. You have the towering Town Hall, the King’s House, the Guild Houses and a lot of cafes. There also a shop tucked in a corner called Gautam Diamond. Apna Gautambhai che ne aiyaan!!

here for a 360 degree panoramic view of the square. Trust me it’s worth it.

The square has something or the other happening at all times. Perfomers, pianists, violinists, puppeteers, dancers etc and the likes. The atmosphere is charged and it’s a joy to sit in one of the cafes around the square and enjoy a coffee or a beer.

A bylane just left of the Town Hall leads you to Manneken Pis, the symbol of Belgium to much extent. Having a prior experience with such symbols (The Little Mermaid), I was prepared for the worst and my dear friend Mr Murphy's Law never fails me. The 2 feet bronze statue of a naked boy urinating in a fountain is hardly impressive. Cute but not impressive. There are several legends behind the statue. The version which I heard is that a certain Duke wanted a statue to be erected and he wanted it to be of some comman man so he went out one day and swore to build the statue of the first commoner he saw. He saw this small boy taking a leak and we got Manneken Pis.

Belgium is reported to the first in covered shopping malls and you can go through the St. Hubert Gallery in the city center. A shopper’s mecca if u r looking for Belgian chocolates, leather goods, ornaments, designer net cloth etc. The gallery has the famous Neuhaus Chocolate. And speaking of chocolate, Brussels is a chocoholic’s paradise. Chocolate for breakfast, some more for lunch and yet some more for dinner. There is always a chocolate shop just round the corner. The bigger ones will have a chocolate fountain on display. Just watching it is a delight in itself, conjuring thoughts and images of all the mentionable and unmentionable things you could do in that fountain. The possibilities are endless ;)

The area near the Hubert gallery is a very popular restaurant area in Belgium and I particularly recall some very good sea food on display in most establishments. Another Belgian specialty is the Waffles and in Brussels the list of toppings will definitely surpass your imagination. You can’t return from Brussels without having these. Trust me you don’t want to. While we are still discussing food, lemme also recommend you the Fries which are usually served in a plastic tub or a cone along with mayonnaise and sauce. Not extraordinarily better than the regular stuff but it’s popular here to stroll through the market place while having some.

The next day we went to visit Atomium and Mini Europe. Mini Europe houses replicas of the famous buildings n monuments from all countries in the European Union. The incomparable chimes of Big Ben welcome you to the heart of London. The gondolas and mandolins will invite you to discover the charms of Venice. Follow the T.G.V. from Paris to the other end of France. You can make the models work yourself : the eruption of Vesuvius, the fall of the Berlin Wall, the bullfight in Seville and many more… In total 300 models and sites in a quite unequalled craftsmanship. The ticket is €12.

At stone throw distance away from Mini Europe is the Atomium, which was built for the 1958 Brussels World's Fair, the 103-metre tall monument represents a unit cell of an iron crystal, magnified 165 billion times, with vertical body diagonal, with tubes along the 12 edges of the cube and from all 8 vertices to the centre.

Coming up – The 1 day trip to from Brussels to Bruges.