No Kissing/Sex Please, We Are Indians

In order to show objectionable, traumatizing and offending acts on screen, without having a lawsuit slapped on your face by the jobless moral guardians of the society, many age old methods have been employed by the champions of Bollywood. As you would have observed dear readers, more often than not, these euphemisms are relating to sex. Now this brings a Q to mind - Is depicting sex on screen such a hard task, that our filmmakers had to resort to such tactics?

Surely its not that Indians don’t know about sex. You don’t have a nation of 1 billion people for nothing. In fact Indians know too much about sex. And we are pretty good at it too. No, I won't mention the Kamasutra or Khajuraho, just look at our birth rate n population. The only people who have better sex than us, are the Chinese. In fact they are so good at sex, that people all over the world are dying to have sex with them for centuries. So much so, that they had to build a wall around their country.

Here is a list of some such euphemisms. The list is by no means exhaustive, for as long as the filmmakers of this nation of 1 billion plus, continue to dig into their minds (or their noses.. or both) to find out new ways to show things on screen this list will keep growing.

Euphemism No 1: Flowers
Scene: Hero n heroine in a public garden whispering sweet nothings to each other... hero feeling the pangs in his loins and the heroine acting coy.... After a while they bend down and the camera stays there on the two flowers (preferably roses...red ones) and then the two roses start to bump into each other or swaying left, right, up & down as if nodding their approval to the acts being committed just below ... usually signifies kissing.

This euphemism doesn't find many takers now, as many people have really eroded the moral fibre of our kulchur and started kissing on screen. Tauba!!

Corollary: Hero and heroine are now in a jungle... Rest scenario remains as above.. In this case the flower nodding usually signifies copulation.

Euphemism No 2: Fireplace
Scene: Hero n heroine on a stormy night... its raining accompanied by thunder and lightening... their car has broken down and they are now in a secluded 'Daak Bunglow' in the middle of nowhere.... since their clothes are wet the hero will start a fire.. (Somehow all the dak bunglows are stacked up with firewood for any such emergency n the hero has the talent to light up the fire from a matchstick/lighter without the need of any kerosene/petrol). The roaring fire's flames are directly proportional to the lust between the love birds at this point of time... the light in the room should be orangish-yellow, ample shadow play on the walls and the hero should be nude waist up (Throw in an ample amount of body hair for macho appeal and hiding the rolls of fat.. though Anil Kapoor is strictly forbiddened from removing his shirt COME-WHAT-MAY). Hero n heroine get close to each other and the camera zooms in through the small space between their bodies and blurs into the fire. Signifies copulation.

It may be noted that this euphemism occurs solely when the case is of pre-marital sex. The Euphemism No 1 though can also be shown with married couples. The corollary to euphemism 1 though is strictly reserved for premarital sex. If it were a married couple the husband would be busy pulling his hair and thinking "Why did I ever promise this woman the jungle safari???"


Euphemism No 3: Bedside Lamp
Scene: Its the "SUHAAG RAAT" (Ah!! Some more random hits on my blog thx to google) .... now after all the ghunghat-uthana, kesar wala doodh and the rest of the usual big-night shenanigans are done with, the hero will lay down his bride on the bed (fully clothed n jewelled)... camera pans to the bedside lamp which switches off after a delay of 2 seconds.


Euphemism No 4: Child photo....SSSHHHHHHHHH
Another variation to the scene in the above euphemism... at the end instead of panning to the bedside lamp the camera will move upwards on the wall where the child photograph is and the child having a finger on his lips... Sssshhhhhhhh!!!

Don't be surprised if the next day the heroine throws up and is expecting a baby (which would be determined without the help of a home pregancy kit or a doctor).. coz somehow this euphemism is oft used in cases when the couple is trying to make a baby. Congraulations flow from all corners and the father, placing a hand on the son's shoulder, says 'Bete, aaj tune mera sapna sach kar diya'. I wonder if the Dad was dreaming about the last nights events.


Euphemism No 5: Waves in ocean 1
Usually occurs at some beach .. now the beach has to have green waters , white sand, ample sun and most importantly it should be a secluded and totally deserted one... how else will their lusty instincts urge them to make out behind those coconut trees...and when the huge waves start hitting the shores you know that the guy has been successful in nailing the gal... one might wonder how all of a sudden the peaceful waves turned into big mighty roaring ones... the answer I m afraid is a bit complex... it's the lunar gravity coupled with the earth's centrifugal force due to rotation on it's axis combined with all the pumping n grinding going on behind those coconut trees.


Euphemism No 6: Waves in ocean 2
This is a variation to euphemism no 5...except that this time the waves are crashing hard on the rocks... this would in most cases signify a rape or passionate love ...it may also be used in some other situation where there is a kash-m-kash going in the hero's mind whether to obey his parents word or go with his gal...or when heroine is contemplating suicide due to the unwanted pregnancy.

Euphemism No 7: Volcano Erupting
Now this one is a multipurpose euphemism... it can and has been used at a number of places in a number of situations...
Hero's sis gets raped.... Volcano erupts
Hero heroine are making passionate love ...Volcano erupts (in this case the amount of lava flowing out of volcano is directly proportional to the ....mmmmm what shall we say...hero's virility)
Saboo ko gussa aata hain ... Volcano erupts (on Jupiter of course).


Euphemism No 8: Boiling Milk
Scene: The heroine is working in the kitchen.... newly wed wife... learning the tricks of the trade... the husband sneaks up from behind and grabs her around the waist... the heat in the kitchen , the smell of milk boiling on the stove, the aroma of spices and all that make the hero really hot (not that he wasn’t already horny) and they start making out oblivious of the milk heating on the stove ... while the hero n heroine move out of scene the camera pans into the vessel kept on stove with milk boiling... within minutes the milk starts to rise ... the rise in the level of milk is directly signifies the building up male orgasm ... in roughly 1 minute 30 secs the milk overflows (that’s the average time it would take - for both the activities)
Note: This euphemism can also be shown for Rape and in that case the milk boils to some rather jarring music.


Euphemism No 9: Bird in Cage
This euphemism is solely reserved for use when depicting a rape scene. The bird in the cage signifies the hero's sister in the grip of the villain.Note: It will be hero's sister in 99% of the cases and this should occur somewhere in the first half of the movie. In the rare exception that it is the heroine, she should commit suicide right after the crime and the hero will avenge her death in the rest of the movie. And before the feminists clench their teeth and ask me, why should a woman commit suicide when the ideally the rapist should be castrated, lemme tell you this is Bollywood and logic is found here in as much abundance as topless girls in Antarctica.


Euphemism No 10: Fluttering Diya
This particular diya is rather from 60s and 70s where a diya would be lighted next to the person on his death bed... sitting next to the dying old man/woman would be his wife/husband, the dutiful-and-friendly neighbors, the chacha, taya, mama, mausi, doodhwala, kaam-wali-bai and a hoard of junior artists but not the son.
The son is rushing home to be besides his father/mother who is ready to kick the bucket anytime now. As soon as he enters the room panting, the diya extinguishes and the man/woman in bed has breathed his/her last.The diya may be replaced by the ECG machine as well. The waves going up n down in a jagged way and finally nothing but a straight line.

With the help of these euphemisms, we can make sure that everything is in strict accordance with the CBFC guidelines of certification. Do you have any Euphemisms which u want to share?

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Update:
Some more Euphemisms which the readers left in the Comments section

Arun
An umbrella/heroine's hat coming in between when the couple steals a smooch.
May I just add, that the Umbrella has got to be of multicolor n should be revolving when the couple engage in the act.

Twilight Fairy
another one.. khufiya barsaati raat.. raat ka andhera.. no bijli.. except for the bijli in the sky.. the torrential rain.. hero heroine getting wet.. windows in buildings thrashing .. hero's hand on heroine's waist (mind u a waist which has a saree clinging on to the wet skin more for effect..for all it matters it's not really there)..and then once the hero and heroine get really close, the lightening weaves across the sky.. signifying what else but...copulation! :)
BRILLIANT

Sushruta
I remember if the rape happens in a stable like place the spinning wheel of a stationary cart also signals at ahem ...rape

Unknown User
You forgot the crying girl photographs...in a rape scene.

Bastet
Eagle or Hawk, preying on a pigeon, indicating the villian following a hapless damsel. As the hawk closes in and kills the pigeon, the villian pounces on the girl.

IT

Madhur Bhandarkar is working on his next movie ‘Fashion’. No points for guessing what it will be about. In the filmmaker’s own words - “I have been attending all the fashion weeks; have been meeting various fashion designers, models and organisers. No one has been finalised. Once the script is ready, I will begin casting, but as of now, the script is what is most important.”

So guys, get ready to see something like wardrobe malfunction, gay designers, undercutting Czech/Hungarian/random-Easter-European-country models, underpaid workers in sweatshops, child labor n exploitation... get the drift?

Thank you so much Mr Bhandarkar, for making us acquainted with the nuisances of Mumbai bar girls, Page 3 reporters n socialites, Corporate honchos, Traffic signal workers n soon fashion world. Pardon my audacity, but may I suggest the theme of your next movie after fashion.

I T

Yes sir, u heard it right, Information Technology. Cmon, please enlighten the whole country about these ‘poster boys of matrimonial classifieds who are paid handsomely, perceived to be intelligent and travel abroad frequently, but in reality are not programmers, but mere coders’. Let each and every prospective father-in-law know that the nincompoop he plans for his bundle-of-joy is a mere 'smart assembly line worker'.

Please let the countrymen know that the so-called software engineers are doing nothing but cut-copy-paste and producing kilo lines of code day after day in a single repeatable fashion. Tell them how the overzealous managers estimate 5 days of work by 4 people into a 3 day work by 2 people and we spineless creatures won’t say a word just coz they pay us well. Tell them that it requires an IQ only higher than a plant to fix the errors after market close so that all settlements can be done n trade can resume the next day at NSE/BSE. Tell them that scanning n monitoring a banking rollout night after night is something which your neighborhood watchman can very well do with some basic computer training. Tell them how we are also responsible for the sky-rocketing real estate prices.

Tell them how we salivate when we hear the words onsite. How dollars are all we think when we are awake or asleep, whereas other professionals traveling abroad are doing it for a) their love for America/any-other-country b) to help the citizens of that country in every way possible c) to make the population and space density a little less in India d) other charitable reasons.

Please , oh please, Mr Bhandarkar, this is something you must do to stop the millions of collegians who dream to be an IT professional.

Random Post

Well don’t have anything worthwhile to write, so I will just fill in with some mambo-jambo.

Terribly busy with work these days, being allocated in more than 3 projects at the same time, which ensures that the bug list I have, is never small. Winters setting in and the whole place looks so depressing with rains dripping every now n then, the low temperatures coupled with windy conditions. I don’t mind the chill but no windy wet chill .. puhleeeeeeez. And it snowed… on 1st Nov.. Now, where on earth does it snow on 1st Nov???? Wait.. don’t even try to answer that.. it’s a rhetoric question.

I am sick n tired of, what I initially enjoyed, Cooking. Every evening I return home and open the fridge and try to think of what I should be having for dinner. How I wish there was some pill which you could pop and no hunger or thirst for the next 24 hours. End of problems.

Let me end the post on a positive note. Come X'mas n I am off to Italy for a 6 day vacation… Rome, Venice, Pisa n Milan. The one thing I love about my job here is, how it allows me two vacations a year to some beautiful locations in Europe.

Some of the searches in the past few days which have lead people to this blog are

02 Oct, Mon, 20:50:51 Google: suhaag raat ke samples
Dude/Dudette... there is no sample of suhaag raat on my blog. Surely not the kind u r interested in. A fleeting reference to the words in these two posts about Filmi Euphemisms is all I can offer. Filmi Euphemisms I and Filmi Euphemisms II

04 Oct, Wed, 01:40:27 Google: suhag raat video
Abe tu phir aa gaya?? Video to pakka nahi hain bhai... maaf kar de plz...
I think I will remove those words from the above mentioned posts.

04 Oct, Wed, 06:49:36 Google: shireen bhan singh
**Starts day dreaming**
Stocks, Quotes, Quarterly results, financial policies never were so interesting *Sigh*

04 Oct, Wed, 10:36:13 Google: meetings alternative to work
04 Oct, Wed, 11:54:45 Google: "the practical alternative to work"
04 Oct, Wed, 16:48:13 Google: meetings the alternative to work
No one wants to work eh???? Get the gyan about meetings here.

04 Oct, Wed, 14:40:34 Google: mozart mother house hofgarten austria
The visit to Mozart's house in Salzburg, Austria is here.

04 Oct, Wed, 16:08:24 Google: Where is tht tomb of unknown soldier in France?
Its nothing but the Arc de Triomph yaar.

04 Oct, Wed, 18:21:47 Google: MANGAL PANDEY SKETCHES
I have no idea why Google directed u here dude. It must be some kinda bug in their algo or something.

04 Oct, Wed, 22:15:46 Google: jeevdaya netraprabha
Must be the post on Radio which brought you here. If u have listened to radio in the last decade n before u might just love this one. One of my all time fav posts.

04 Oct, Wed, 23:08:13 Google: Nike fra Smothrace
Thats in the Louvre Museum in Paris

05 Oct, Thu, 01:04:14 Google: Nude geroine
Whats that??? geroine??
If you meant 'heroine', I am sorry not much for u here pal. There are no nude heroines out here.

05 Oct, Thu, 03:33:09 Google: desi=radio.com
I menitoned in a lame post that how www.Desi-radio.com and www.musicindiaonline.com is what I turn to when I wanna hear desi music.

06 Oct, Fri, 08:42:43 Google: North Indian Couple Suhaag raat video
GAWD!!!!

07 Oct, Sat, 16:30:52 Google: tanushree dutta tits
M sorry sir . We dont have those in stock either.

07 Oct, Sat, 20:37:53 Google: Skeleton of St. Mundita
Oh yeah thats the one in Munich.

08 Oct, Sun, 14:27:55 Google: tandoori reciepe
One of my fav posts. Reciepe to prepare Tandoori Chicken with very little effort n skill. Enjoy!!

Random Post ....

I was just running through the Urban Dictionary when I came across something interesting.This one cracked me up....

11. Lurve

similar to love in that is has the letters "L" "V" and "E"...but thats about it.
Lurve is much deeper, stronger and more meaningful than love. It is possible to make lurve, this feels much better than making love, and is more fun for everyone involved.

heck I lurve you!
hey baby, lets make lurve.


And I thought those people had a slurred speech or some other kinda speech problem .... How very naive of me!!!!

My Favorite Color (Arbit post)

DISCLAIMER:-
This was written in a highly aberrated state of mind.
Readers reserve the right to charge/debar/condemn/blacklisted the author.
The subject matter of the post is in accordance with directions provided under paragraph 13 of Schedule 666 to the 'Freedom of Expression for Mentally Disarranmged People Act of 2006'.
Any claim seeking damage to your sanity should be accompained by proof of it's existence before this post was published.
All claim related to agony, emotinal stress and mental trauma shall under no circumstances be entertained.
*************************************************

My fav color is
Anything but Blue.
Lemme explain...

Imagine a Red apple. Its red in color and lets say its your fav color. But is the apple really Red ??? Is it ??

Its not that the apple is emitting some light of it own for then we would be able to see the apple in dark as well. It is merely reflecting the white light ambient on it. We all have been thru high school science and know that objects appear to us coz they absorb some or none of the light and reflect the rest. It is this reflected light that forms the image and the mind interprets it as red.
And It absorbs all the colors in white light and reflets Red, so in reality red is the only color the apple doesnt contain - hence we are seeing it as red. Does it occur to you that the something black is so full of colors. It contains all the colors.

Hmmmmm.....This might explain why black trousers will do just fine with any colored shirt.

CENTURY

HEY.. My blog just scored a century... yeah yeah yeah I started the counter at 1000..lekin u must realise that I got a counter when the blog was about 20 posts old...OK Agreed.... Few people drop in here to read and even fewer take the pains to Comment.... but I cant help it yaar...I can't write about my sex life(since it doesn't exist) and neither am I too Talented or Funny...3 days and 100 hits... yeah alrite atleast 20 were from me ... so what ... a Hit is a Hit !!!!

Cigarette

The first one small n swift. Followed by a long drag. A cloud of smoke bursts into the scene. The lighter slowly placed near the clock which is slowly ticking away. Its distinct mechanical sound can be heard clearly in the silence of the night. Outside cars zoom by at irregular intervals. Some people making their way home. Some more ash in the tray. It nests comfortable amongst the stubs that once caressed my lips and filled my lungs. Can hear the rustle of burning each time I pull a long drag. The tip, glowing orange in the dark. Brighter, dimming , bright again with a bitter smell and slowly inching towards me. The window closed against the cold. The air mixed smoke and the faint undertone of my deodorant. I stub it in the ash tray and glance at the clock. Its late. I crawl into the bed thinking about the day next.

Life : Six minutes less.

Sans Cricket :-(

I hate not being able to watch Sachin blast away Lankans.... I really do...
What a comeback by The Master Blaster... Welcome back Sachin we were all missing u so much....

They dont show Cricket in Denmark not on any channel.... isn't that amazing... could a sports channel even think of operating in india and not show the cricket matches... (OK OK!! Leaving DD Sports)

And for the 16 of us who are in this project www.cricinfo.com is our hope.... refreshing the browsers every now and then .. or better still getting a ticker on your desktop... and stay abreast with the game... but come to think of it Cricket is much more than a game ... its a passion... a movement ... a thinking... Remember the Ad... Eat cricket Sleep Cricket Drink only COCA
Some random cold drink company trying to encash on the cricket fever in India...

Talking of Cricket related ads ... cricket stars have been the brand ambassadors for many companies... I love the Adidas Ad in which Sachin is shot using numerous cameras... another fav is the Coca Cola Ad with the sound track of “Dum Mast Kalander” sung by NFA Khan... the whole city painted in the crimson hue... Red clothes . Red chillies.. Red walls... Red buildings...and to top it ... the eight octave voice of NFA Khan..(May his soul rest in peace) Lovely!!!!

My very early initiation to watching cricket started when I was very small.. my mom, being more enthusiastic about cricket than my dad, would put an alarm to wake up early mornings to watch the matches happening Down under.... in school we used to carry small transistors which would be switched when one class ended and the teacher is yet to come... During lunch time our princi used to switch on the TV in his room and raise the volume a little so that the students could gather outside his room n watch the match... the lunch break was the most awaited moment on those special days... During Grad we had a dhaba near our college where almost all the guys would assemble to watch the match... I bet the dhabha owner did 500% business than normal on those days ... so on days there was a match I would either be at the dhaba or better still at home... We often used to bet during these matches and the method was also very unique... lemme explain how...
Lets say we are betting on Dravid... now we mutually agree upon a score which I think he would be able to make and the other guy thinks he wont .. lets say 60. Now if Dravid makes 110 I win 50 bucks and if he makes 10 runs I lose 50... this way the stakes never got very high .. but no matter who lost.. the money eventually landed up in the Dhaba owner's pocket...
Post grad it was no different...It only got crazier

Even after I started working my enthu for the unofficial national game of India didn't go down. On days when there was a match I would reach office at 3 pm after watching one side play 50 overs and the other side play 5 overs or something... like many other colleagues ... Inside office it was again www.cricinfo.com … we had a site which used to stream video which we used to watch during world cup
When it used to be a day-night match ... we would reach office at 7 am and get off at 3 to watch the match..... while in office frequent trips to the pan-wallah/canteen would ensure that I was updated about the match....

Life sans crickets is not the same anymore.... although u get to see read the ball by ball commentary it can never match the excitement of watching the match... the sound of timber hitting leather is just so esctasic... The way the hands go up in the air when the ball goes past the rope... the "oooooooooohhhhhs" which some when the bat misses the balls n nests in the keepers gloves...

Song of the Day : Koi lauta de mere beete hue din!!!

Will the real Tarannum Khan please stand up!!!

For GOD sake dont send me another forward containing pics of Taranum Khan (TK) or links to her pics...Believe me I have seen no less than 4 different versions of this gal TK.... Dynamism personified... infact she is so dynamic, she appears different in each set of pics...

the first mail (read forward) nearly threw me off my seat... and the first reaction was... "Why doesn’t she try in bollywood??" she could have easily given a few of the sirens a run for their money... soon another mail came proclaiming that the gal in last mail was a certain Miss Tarannum Bhatia (in my case from the same person) who’s pics had being doing rounds in the mailboxes and now her family had decided to file a case against those who started these mails... I promptly deleted the earlier mail from my mailbox and the recycle bin too...

After two more mails on the same subject came this last one which contained the foll link

http://web.mid-day.com/news/city/2005/september/119659.htm

I secretly prayed to GOD to let her be the real TK... as I didnt want any more mails on the subject ...not that I mind pics of beautiful gals in my mailbox... but it was getting a little it too much to handle.. one mail comes with the pics... and then one of the frnds goes with a reply to all... then comes a pat n rather quick reply...(I wonder why they never reply so promptly when I ask for some technical stuff)

but the multimillionaire bar dancer was a hell of a topic for about a week when the officials exposed her assets(no pun intended)... Tanishq Bungalow at Juhu, another couple of flats, jewellery worth 7 lacs and a pocket change of 3 lacs... not to mention her betting bids which would put a lot of hardcore satoris to shame...and the number of four Men in Blue in her mobile...

One thing sure exists that she changed a lot of people's views about the bar girls....the image of a woman who seeks refuge in this proff to feed her family of 6, to which she is the only earning member, doesn’t emerge as quickly as the rich crorepati bar gal who travels in the swankiest of cars, lives in bungalows and has cash n jewellery stacked up in every closet...

Did she mange to change the image of a bar girl in the minds of people??? Is she at fault that she exploited the weakness of men for monetary benefits??? Is she involved in betting??? Has she got links with underworld???

Ur guess is as good as mine!!!