No Kissing/Sex Please, We Are Indians

In order to show objectionable, traumatizing and offending acts on screen, without having a lawsuit slapped on your face by the jobless moral guardians of the society, many age old methods have been employed by the champions of Bollywood. As you would have observed dear readers, more often than not, these euphemisms are relating to sex. Now this brings a Q to mind - Is depicting sex on screen such a hard task, that our filmmakers had to resort to such tactics?

Surely its not that Indians don’t know about sex. You don’t have a nation of 1 billion people for nothing. In fact Indians know too much about sex. And we are pretty good at it too. No, I won't mention the Kamasutra or Khajuraho, just look at our birth rate n population. The only people who have better sex than us, are the Chinese. In fact they are so good at sex, that people all over the world are dying to have sex with them for centuries. So much so, that they had to build a wall around their country.

Here is a list of some such euphemisms. The list is by no means exhaustive, for as long as the filmmakers of this nation of 1 billion plus, continue to dig into their minds (or their noses.. or both) to find out new ways to show things on screen this list will keep growing.

Euphemism No 1: Flowers
Scene: Hero n heroine in a public garden whispering sweet nothings to each other... hero feeling the pangs in his loins and the heroine acting coy.... After a while they bend down and the camera stays there on the two flowers (preferably roses...red ones) and then the two roses start to bump into each other or swaying left, right, up & down as if nodding their approval to the acts being committed just below ... usually signifies kissing.

This euphemism doesn't find many takers now, as many people have really eroded the moral fibre of our kulchur and started kissing on screen. Tauba!!

Corollary: Hero and heroine are now in a jungle... Rest scenario remains as above.. In this case the flower nodding usually signifies copulation.

Euphemism No 2: Fireplace
Scene: Hero n heroine on a stormy night... its raining accompanied by thunder and lightening... their car has broken down and they are now in a secluded 'Daak Bunglow' in the middle of nowhere.... since their clothes are wet the hero will start a fire.. (Somehow all the dak bunglows are stacked up with firewood for any such emergency n the hero has the talent to light up the fire from a matchstick/lighter without the need of any kerosene/petrol). The roaring fire's flames are directly proportional to the lust between the love birds at this point of time... the light in the room should be orangish-yellow, ample shadow play on the walls and the hero should be nude waist up (Throw in an ample amount of body hair for macho appeal and hiding the rolls of fat.. though Anil Kapoor is strictly forbiddened from removing his shirt COME-WHAT-MAY). Hero n heroine get close to each other and the camera zooms in through the small space between their bodies and blurs into the fire. Signifies copulation.

It may be noted that this euphemism occurs solely when the case is of pre-marital sex. The Euphemism No 1 though can also be shown with married couples. The corollary to euphemism 1 though is strictly reserved for premarital sex. If it were a married couple the husband would be busy pulling his hair and thinking "Why did I ever promise this woman the jungle safari???"


Euphemism No 3: Bedside Lamp
Scene: Its the "SUHAAG RAAT" (Ah!! Some more random hits on my blog thx to google) .... now after all the ghunghat-uthana, kesar wala doodh and the rest of the usual big-night shenanigans are done with, the hero will lay down his bride on the bed (fully clothed n jewelled)... camera pans to the bedside lamp which switches off after a delay of 2 seconds.


Euphemism No 4: Child photo....SSSHHHHHHHHH
Another variation to the scene in the above euphemism... at the end instead of panning to the bedside lamp the camera will move upwards on the wall where the child photograph is and the child having a finger on his lips... Sssshhhhhhhh!!!

Don't be surprised if the next day the heroine throws up and is expecting a baby (which would be determined without the help of a home pregancy kit or a doctor).. coz somehow this euphemism is oft used in cases when the couple is trying to make a baby. Congraulations flow from all corners and the father, placing a hand on the son's shoulder, says 'Bete, aaj tune mera sapna sach kar diya'. I wonder if the Dad was dreaming about the last nights events.


Euphemism No 5: Waves in ocean 1
Usually occurs at some beach .. now the beach has to have green waters , white sand, ample sun and most importantly it should be a secluded and totally deserted one... how else will their lusty instincts urge them to make out behind those coconut trees...and when the huge waves start hitting the shores you know that the guy has been successful in nailing the gal... one might wonder how all of a sudden the peaceful waves turned into big mighty roaring ones... the answer I m afraid is a bit complex... it's the lunar gravity coupled with the earth's centrifugal force due to rotation on it's axis combined with all the pumping n grinding going on behind those coconut trees.


Euphemism No 6: Waves in ocean 2
This is a variation to euphemism no 5...except that this time the waves are crashing hard on the rocks... this would in most cases signify a rape or passionate love ...it may also be used in some other situation where there is a kash-m-kash going in the hero's mind whether to obey his parents word or go with his gal...or when heroine is contemplating suicide due to the unwanted pregnancy.

Euphemism No 7: Volcano Erupting
Now this one is a multipurpose euphemism... it can and has been used at a number of places in a number of situations...
Hero's sis gets raped.... Volcano erupts
Hero heroine are making passionate love ...Volcano erupts (in this case the amount of lava flowing out of volcano is directly proportional to the ....mmmmm what shall we say...hero's virility)
Saboo ko gussa aata hain ... Volcano erupts (on Jupiter of course).


Euphemism No 8: Boiling Milk
Scene: The heroine is working in the kitchen.... newly wed wife... learning the tricks of the trade... the husband sneaks up from behind and grabs her around the waist... the heat in the kitchen , the smell of milk boiling on the stove, the aroma of spices and all that make the hero really hot (not that he wasn’t already horny) and they start making out oblivious of the milk heating on the stove ... while the hero n heroine move out of scene the camera pans into the vessel kept on stove with milk boiling... within minutes the milk starts to rise ... the rise in the level of milk is directly signifies the building up male orgasm ... in roughly 1 minute 30 secs the milk overflows (that’s the average time it would take - for both the activities)
Note: This euphemism can also be shown for Rape and in that case the milk boils to some rather jarring music.


Euphemism No 9: Bird in Cage
This euphemism is solely reserved for use when depicting a rape scene. The bird in the cage signifies the hero's sister in the grip of the villain.Note: It will be hero's sister in 99% of the cases and this should occur somewhere in the first half of the movie. In the rare exception that it is the heroine, she should commit suicide right after the crime and the hero will avenge her death in the rest of the movie. And before the feminists clench their teeth and ask me, why should a woman commit suicide when the ideally the rapist should be castrated, lemme tell you this is Bollywood and logic is found here in as much abundance as topless girls in Antarctica.


Euphemism No 10: Fluttering Diya
This particular diya is rather from 60s and 70s where a diya would be lighted next to the person on his death bed... sitting next to the dying old man/woman would be his wife/husband, the dutiful-and-friendly neighbors, the chacha, taya, mama, mausi, doodhwala, kaam-wali-bai and a hoard of junior artists but not the son.
The son is rushing home to be besides his father/mother who is ready to kick the bucket anytime now. As soon as he enters the room panting, the diya extinguishes and the man/woman in bed has breathed his/her last.The diya may be replaced by the ECG machine as well. The waves going up n down in a jagged way and finally nothing but a straight line.

With the help of these euphemisms, we can make sure that everything is in strict accordance with the CBFC guidelines of certification. Do you have any Euphemisms which u want to share?

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Update:
Some more Euphemisms which the readers left in the Comments section

Arun
An umbrella/heroine's hat coming in between when the couple steals a smooch.
May I just add, that the Umbrella has got to be of multicolor n should be revolving when the couple engage in the act.

Twilight Fairy
another one.. khufiya barsaati raat.. raat ka andhera.. no bijli.. except for the bijli in the sky.. the torrential rain.. hero heroine getting wet.. windows in buildings thrashing .. hero's hand on heroine's waist (mind u a waist which has a saree clinging on to the wet skin more for effect..for all it matters it's not really there)..and then once the hero and heroine get really close, the lightening weaves across the sky.. signifying what else but...copulation! :)
BRILLIANT

Sushruta
I remember if the rape happens in a stable like place the spinning wheel of a stationary cart also signals at ahem ...rape

Unknown User
You forgot the crying girl photographs...in a rape scene.

Bastet
Eagle or Hawk, preying on a pigeon, indicating the villian following a hapless damsel. As the hawk closes in and kills the pigeon, the villian pounces on the girl.

Random Updates

OK Dahlings!!! Moi back, with nothing in particular to write. Just some random updates.

Tomorrow my project is getting released so I will have some time at my hand after that. I promise to complete ur tags Sakshi. Also, have some important work related things being decided over the weekend, but I'd rather not talk about it now. Tomorrow is also the all important match for India against the Lankans. If we win this, we are through. The calculations favor us then. Else it is TATA WC.

Now the most exciting news. M visiting Luxembourg & Brussels in the Easter vacations. HEEEEEEEEE HAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW. 5-9th April. Just can't wait. The vacation has come in good time - just as the work pressure was surmounting. A perfect break I would say.

Whats new with you?

IT

Madhur Bhandarkar is working on his next movie ‘Fashion’. No points for guessing what it will be about. In the filmmaker’s own words - “I have been attending all the fashion weeks; have been meeting various fashion designers, models and organisers. No one has been finalised. Once the script is ready, I will begin casting, but as of now, the script is what is most important.”

So guys, get ready to see something like wardrobe malfunction, gay designers, undercutting Czech/Hungarian/random-Easter-European-country models, underpaid workers in sweatshops, child labor n exploitation... get the drift?

Thank you so much Mr Bhandarkar, for making us acquainted with the nuisances of Mumbai bar girls, Page 3 reporters n socialites, Corporate honchos, Traffic signal workers n soon fashion world. Pardon my audacity, but may I suggest the theme of your next movie after fashion.

I T

Yes sir, u heard it right, Information Technology. Cmon, please enlighten the whole country about these ‘poster boys of matrimonial classifieds who are paid handsomely, perceived to be intelligent and travel abroad frequently, but in reality are not programmers, but mere coders’. Let each and every prospective father-in-law know that the nincompoop he plans for his bundle-of-joy is a mere 'smart assembly line worker'.

Please let the countrymen know that the so-called software engineers are doing nothing but cut-copy-paste and producing kilo lines of code day after day in a single repeatable fashion. Tell them how the overzealous managers estimate 5 days of work by 4 people into a 3 day work by 2 people and we spineless creatures won’t say a word just coz they pay us well. Tell them that it requires an IQ only higher than a plant to fix the errors after market close so that all settlements can be done n trade can resume the next day at NSE/BSE. Tell them that scanning n monitoring a banking rollout night after night is something which your neighborhood watchman can very well do with some basic computer training. Tell them how we are also responsible for the sky-rocketing real estate prices.

Tell them how we salivate when we hear the words onsite. How dollars are all we think when we are awake or asleep, whereas other professionals traveling abroad are doing it for a) their love for America/any-other-country b) to help the citizens of that country in every way possible c) to make the population and space density a little less in India d) other charitable reasons.

Please , oh please, Mr Bhandarkar, this is something you must do to stop the millions of collegians who dream to be an IT professional.

IMAGINI-tive

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

Silhouette of a day-dreamer....

SHOLAY

Friday evening it was pizza coke and Sholay... Sholay?? Why Sholay?

Because it is one of the movies I am never tired of watching (included in the list are Jaane bhi do yaaron, Chashmebadoor, Amar Akbar Anthony, Chalte Chalte, Golmaal, Masoom, Baat Ban Jaye, Rang Birangi, Baaton Baaton mein, Andaz Apna Apna )....and what better way of doing it than on big screen....Now you don’t get to see many English movies in Aalborg, forget about Bollywood movies... so we got a projector and constructed this whole setup…and it was really worth the effort

You know that Sholay did not open to a very good response way back when it was released and caught on later ...But for me the movie is a super duper uber hit...

And my fav guy in the movie ..."Gabbar Singh"... unarguably the most famous character of Indian cinema... Even Raju Shrivastav and Sunil Pal have recited his dialogues at the GILC...

"Kitne aadmi they?"
"Katili Nachaniya"
"Jo dar gaya, samjho mar gaya"
"Yeh haath mujhey de de Thakur"
"Bahut yaarana lagta hain"
"Itna sannata kyu hain bhai?"

And many such more dialogues which have crept into our daily parlance... which have become part of everyday milieu...I dont think any other movie has had that kind of penetration

Apart from the fabulous dialogues, the plot of the movie is racy, fast paced, action packed and one in which you can't escape for a leak and come back thinking that u havent missed anything significant.... one stays glued to the seat from starting to the end...

The music is excellent, both background and songs and RD Burman's 'Mehbooba o mehbooba' is simply AWESOME... each of the songs gel so properly with the movie.. its not forced upon you
The music during the numbering... harmonica and violin... gives u a feeling of a great western classic.

Another Thing about Sholay is the Sholay Trivia Quiz... which me n frnds used to indulge in a lot...Questions like :

Q Gabbar Singh ke baap ka naam kya tha?
A Hari Singh

Q Who was the other Hari in the movie?
A Hari Ram Nai

Q Jai aur Veeru ki Bike ka number kya tha?
A MYB 3047

Q Gabbar Singh ko jab pehli baar sazaa hoti hain to kaunsi 'dafa'(section) lagate hain?
A tazrat-e-hind dafa 400 ke tahat 20 saal kaid-e-baamushakkat

Q Post man ka naam kya tha?
A Gulzarilal

Q Asrani ki Jail mein AB n Dharmendra ki uniform ka number kya tha?
A AB - 15 n Dharamendra - 20

Q Imam Sahab (A K Hangal) ke bete ka naam kya tha?
A Ahmed miyan

(and this one is my fav...none of the people I ask this, have been able to answer it)
Q Imam Sahab ke bhai ka naam kya tha?
A Mukaitullah

Once I was at Mondy's (Cafe Mondegaar) and we were playing the sholay trivia quiz... soon the guys from the next table joined us...Its that kinda movie... you cant help but love it ... so if you think that Sholay is the greatest movie ever built... if you think that RD was the best .. and if you think that AB, Dharampaaji n Sanjeev Kumar and Gabbar Singh rock.. then join the sholay fan club.

Thank you Ramesh Sippy, RD, Salim Javed, AB, Dharampaaji, Amjadbhai and everyone else...



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Today happens to be the Bday of two pals
Happy Bday Diana and Deepak!!

6 Desambar

Doosra Banvaas

Ram banvaas se laut ke jab ghar mein aaye
Yaad jungle bahut aaya jo nagar mein aaye

Raks-e-deewangi aangan mein jo dekha hoga
6 Desambar ko Shri Raam ne socha hoga
Itne deewane kahan se mere ghar mein aaye

Jugmagaate the jahan Raam ke kadmo ke nishan
Pyar ki kahkashaan leti thi angdaayi jahan
Mod nafrat ke usi rahguzar mein aaye

Dharam kya unka hain, kya jaat hain yeh jaanta kaun
Ghar na jalta to unhe raat mein pehchanta kaun
Ghar jalane ko mera, log jo mere ghar mein aaye

Shakahari hain mere dost tumhare khanjar
Tumne Babar ki taraf pheke the saare pathar
Hain mere sar ke khazaar zakhm jo sar mein aaye

Paun Sarjoo mein abhi Raam ne dhoye bhi na the
Ki nazar aaye wahan khoon ke gehre dhabbe
Paun dhoye bina Sarjoo ke kinare se uthe
Raam yeh kehte hue apne dwaare se uthey

Raajdhani ki khiza aayi nahi raas mujhey
6 Desambar ko mila doosra banvaas mujhey.

~Kaifi Azmi(19?? -2002)

Thx Google Earth!!

The development database was down.. some tables went missing and no clue who did it... so with a few hours to spare at hand I started out exploring Google Earth... And boy!! Time really flew by...

Picking up places like my house in Delhi and my school n junior school ...I did put up some placemarks in Google Earth Community...

And I found this - my college in Google Earth... looks like shot from a relatively close distance. Anyways, it was amazing to see the images n revive all those college memories

The picture with the callouts explains it all but what was most amazing was the way the cricket pitch stands out distinctly...as if it has an own individuality... its own purpose of existence... as if laughing in the face of all those buildings and priding itself at the fact that the students spend more time with her than in those buildings...

Thx Google Earth for making my day!!

Early Morning Ramblings

0700 hrs CET and I am in the office... had run some queries in the production database last night before leaving, so had to make sure that they were either executed or killed before the CRs started with their work... Its pitch black outside... waking up at 0530 hours is not the ideal start of the day for me....
As I got ready making the minimum amount of noise, so as to not wake my roomie S, I kept thinking of the time I had in mumbai where I was before coming here.. for almost two years I was in one project GEMS

The good and not so good times back in India...Started for office at 0630 hrs in pitch darkness,,, hardly anyone on the roads... the cold morning air and the darkness did as much to lift my spirits as Sourav Gnaguly did to lift the score in this recent ODI games ... sorry bad example...

Lekin I am in a bad mood... generally that is not how I am on Fridays... the sole day when u get to wear jeans to work and forget about not sitting in office with one foot tucked under your rear on the chair (you know wat I mean )... that alone is a reason for me to be cheerful and generally I do maintain a rather cheerful disposition ... but I am just not an early morning guy... especially if I have been in the office till 2200 hrs the last night....

The most wonderful thing about GEMS was that we used to go to office late something like 1500 hrs and work till 2300hrs ... strictly 8 hours of work .. Well sometimes.... and that allowed me the liberty to sleep till 1200 hrs .... (my mom suspects that’s the main reasons why I am not shifting base to Delhi)… No I don’t work in a Call Center … just that the client was in US so we had to stay late to have conf in the evenings

Kishore Kumar n Lata mangeshkar crooning softly "Dil tere bin kahin lagta nahi Waqt guzarta nahi".. thank God and www.MusicIndiaOnline.com guy and www.Desi-Radio.com ... without you office would be so boring...

OK enough of my rambling .... sorry to have subjected you guys to such torture... this I what early mornings (read dark cold windy early mornings) do to me...

So I guess I will go nicotinise n caffinize myself n get back to work with a bit of grumble....

Have a great weekend!!

Update

Its snowing here almost everyday now... looks great , especially if u r inside the house or office .... our office has these large windows and is higher than most of the buildings in the vicinity... the sloping rooftops covered in snow make a really good sight ....

But travelling while it is snowing is a bit of a problem as walking is a big pain... the ground tends to get a bit slippery and my shoes dont really have a groovy grip(being formals)... hmmmm guess I will buy the high ankle kinda shoes with soles good enough for mountain climbing...

All that snow and winds has made climate really chilly n pullovers are a norm now inside the office... which basically means that you dont need to iron shirts anymore... hehehe what a relief.

Today I complete 6 months in Denmark... the project was initially supposed to be for 6 months only ....the project deliverables have been released but some more work has come rolling my way and I am now involved in that.